CREATING A REFUGE

I am reading "Buddha's Brain", written by Rick Hanson, PhD and neuropsychologist.

Wow, I say WOW!

What an easy to read explanation of how the brain works...the scientific and neurological explanation of why we reinforce disempowering meme structures that take us farther and farther away from what we truly want, which is happiness, love, and peace of mind.

The chapter I read last night talked about one's haven or refuge...and asked if the reader had one and what it was. The author talked about a place, person, concept or activity, as examples, that represented safety and a sense of calmness when we engaged with that place, person or thing.

This totally rocked my boat because my first response was that I did not have such a thing in my life. And that started me throwing what he calls 'second darts' at myself This is the very act of buying into an old thought pattern that is usually false, and definitely serves only to create pain or sadness, becoming a more entrained thought pattern each time one calls it up. This sets one up for the next opportunity to throw that same miserable 'dart'...oh, poor me: I've moved around my whole life, I ended a long marriage and am alone, my daughter is healthy and independent...I have no safe place, no one to depend upon...yada, yada, yada.

I started to really look at my life. Really look at my life. I used a bit of Byron Katie, asking myself the four questions...

...is it true that I have no safe haven?

...is it absolutely true that I have no safe haven?

...how would I feel if I didn't believe this?

...and, then, the turn-around, which is always the truth-seeking missile in the process!

Question 1: it is true that I live alone, have no extended family, and choose not to rely upon my only child.

Question 2: nothing can be absolutely true. I have spent the last twenty years creating a home and a yard that is soothing, comforting, lovely to look at, comfortable to be in, and feels safe from harm. This is as true for me now as it was when I was married and living in this same house.

Question 3: if I didn't feel alone, without a safety net, how would I feel? Well, I would dance in the moonlight, feel light as a zephyr, revel in the deliciousness of life, have a happy, open heart!

Question 4: the turnaround? No one is responsible for my safety, my peace of mind, my joy, my lovingness, my life, but me. If I don't feel safe, have a place of refuge where I can cleanse myself from the world, it is no one's fault but my own. Period. The world doesn't owe me anything. No person in this world owes me anything. I owe myself everything!

So what did I gain from this exercise? Clarity. Insight. Joy - a small little pattern broken, which starts to create a positive mental construct I can use on the next 'dart'. Power. A feeling of calm and a sense of myself as the master of my circumstances.

The buck stops here!

IF A PELICAN SHOWS UP...

...IT MEANS:

This is an opportunity to forgive either yourself or someone else and release any built-up guilt or resentment...from Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D. Farmer, PhD

There is a lot of talk about forgiveness.

We are supposed to forgive those who have hurt us...ask for forgiveness from those we feel we have hurt...forgive the Universe as a collective - can't leave anyone out there! But the most important and most difficult part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.

I bring this up because I had a dream last night in which a pelican did show up! The handbook I referenced above has been pretty spot-on when it comes to deciphering the meaning of animals in my life.

Just so happens, that I have been thinking about forgiveness.

You know for every five or ten people who think you are so caring and loving and helpful...as a person, as a coach...there is at least one person who thinks you are a jerk, or worse, a fraud. I had an email encounter with one such person a few weeks ago.

This is a woman who had been a good friend. After my divorce, we both tried to continue the friendship, but we drifted farther and farther apart, spent less and less time together, never talked on the phone. I could go into detail about how my conversations with her made me feel...what I felt she was about regarding my new life and that of my former husband. But, truly, that doesn't matter. When her youngest daughter got married, I did not travel to the wedding, I did not send a gift right away (I had every intention of doing so, but it wasn't high on my list of priorities). In short, I did not treat this event with much care and love. My friend was hurt. And rightfully so. She never called me to task. What I did receive was an email six months later telling me to take her off my client email list and just how despicable she thought I was.

I was a bit taken aback. My response was to agree to do so, tell her that I accepted my share of responsibility in the failed friendship, and to offer my apologies.

What truly surprised me was how I digested this emotional tidbit.

I accepted the truth of my neglect and her hurt over how I had handled the situation. In my mind, I acknowledged that, even though I would not have gone to the wedding, I could have handled everything else about that event differently and in a way that would have assured my friend that I, too, felt it was an important and special life event. I also acknowledged that because I made the choice not to do those things, I didn't value the friendship now the way I had once. I asked the Universe for forgiveness. I forgave myself for not being perfect, not being the perfect, loving friend to this person. I allowed myself the freedom to screw up, took responsibility for that, and understood her hurt, which had turned into anger with me.

Do I think I took the high road when it came to the wedding six months ago? No. I knew I was not responding in the way of a friend. Do I think I took the high road when it came to her email? Yes, if taking the high road is not getting angry with her because she called me on my behavior or resenting her for rubbing my nose in some stinky business of mine. Will I remember this and try to do better? Yes.

So my little pelican friend showed up at the perfect time. This was an opportunity to forgive myself for still having work to do as I grow into the person I am meant to be! This was also an opportunity to see how much I have grown in the last four years.

I forgive the Universe. The Universe forgives me. I forgive myself.