CREATING A REFUGE

I am reading "Buddha's Brain", written by Rick Hanson, PhD and neuropsychologist.

Wow, I say WOW!

What an easy to read explanation of how the brain works...the scientific and neurological explanation of why we reinforce disempowering meme structures that take us farther and farther away from what we truly want, which is happiness, love, and peace of mind.

The chapter I read last night talked about one's haven or refuge...and asked if the reader had one and what it was. The author talked about a place, person, concept or activity, as examples, that represented safety and a sense of calmness when we engaged with that place, person or thing.

This totally rocked my boat because my first response was that I did not have such a thing in my life. And that started me throwing what he calls 'second darts' at myself This is the very act of buying into an old thought pattern that is usually false, and definitely serves only to create pain or sadness, becoming a more entrained thought pattern each time one calls it up. This sets one up for the next opportunity to throw that same miserable 'dart'...oh, poor me: I've moved around my whole life, I ended a long marriage and am alone, my daughter is healthy and independent...I have no safe place, no one to depend upon...yada, yada, yada.

I started to really look at my life. Really look at my life. I used a bit of Byron Katie, asking myself the four questions...

...is it true that I have no safe haven?

...is it absolutely true that I have no safe haven?

...how would I feel if I didn't believe this?

...and, then, the turn-around, which is always the truth-seeking missile in the process!

Question 1: it is true that I live alone, have no extended family, and choose not to rely upon my only child.

Question 2: nothing can be absolutely true. I have spent the last twenty years creating a home and a yard that is soothing, comforting, lovely to look at, comfortable to be in, and feels safe from harm. This is as true for me now as it was when I was married and living in this same house.

Question 3: if I didn't feel alone, without a safety net, how would I feel? Well, I would dance in the moonlight, feel light as a zephyr, revel in the deliciousness of life, have a happy, open heart!

Question 4: the turnaround? No one is responsible for my safety, my peace of mind, my joy, my lovingness, my life, but me. If I don't feel safe, have a place of refuge where I can cleanse myself from the world, it is no one's fault but my own. Period. The world doesn't owe me anything. No person in this world owes me anything. I owe myself everything!

So what did I gain from this exercise? Clarity. Insight. Joy - a small little pattern broken, which starts to create a positive mental construct I can use on the next 'dart'. Power. A feeling of calm and a sense of myself as the master of my circumstances.

The buck stops here!

IF A PELICAN SHOWS UP...

...IT MEANS:

This is an opportunity to forgive either yourself or someone else and release any built-up guilt or resentment...from Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D. Farmer, PhD

There is a lot of talk about forgiveness.

We are supposed to forgive those who have hurt us...ask for forgiveness from those we feel we have hurt...forgive the Universe as a collective - can't leave anyone out there! But the most important and most difficult part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.

I bring this up because I had a dream last night in which a pelican did show up! The handbook I referenced above has been pretty spot-on when it comes to deciphering the meaning of animals in my life.

Just so happens, that I have been thinking about forgiveness.

You know for every five or ten people who think you are so caring and loving and helpful...as a person, as a coach...there is at least one person who thinks you are a jerk, or worse, a fraud. I had an email encounter with one such person a few weeks ago.

This is a woman who had been a good friend. After my divorce, we both tried to continue the friendship, but we drifted farther and farther apart, spent less and less time together, never talked on the phone. I could go into detail about how my conversations with her made me feel...what I felt she was about regarding my new life and that of my former husband. But, truly, that doesn't matter. When her youngest daughter got married, I did not travel to the wedding, I did not send a gift right away (I had every intention of doing so, but it wasn't high on my list of priorities). In short, I did not treat this event with much care and love. My friend was hurt. And rightfully so. She never called me to task. What I did receive was an email six months later telling me to take her off my client email list and just how despicable she thought I was.

I was a bit taken aback. My response was to agree to do so, tell her that I accepted my share of responsibility in the failed friendship, and to offer my apologies.

What truly surprised me was how I digested this emotional tidbit.

I accepted the truth of my neglect and her hurt over how I had handled the situation. In my mind, I acknowledged that, even though I would not have gone to the wedding, I could have handled everything else about that event differently and in a way that would have assured my friend that I, too, felt it was an important and special life event. I also acknowledged that because I made the choice not to do those things, I didn't value the friendship now the way I had once. I asked the Universe for forgiveness. I forgave myself for not being perfect, not being the perfect, loving friend to this person. I allowed myself the freedom to screw up, took responsibility for that, and understood her hurt, which had turned into anger with me.

Do I think I took the high road when it came to the wedding six months ago? No. I knew I was not responding in the way of a friend. Do I think I took the high road when it came to her email? Yes, if taking the high road is not getting angry with her because she called me on my behavior or resenting her for rubbing my nose in some stinky business of mine. Will I remember this and try to do better? Yes.

So my little pelican friend showed up at the perfect time. This was an opportunity to forgive myself for still having work to do as I grow into the person I am meant to be! This was also an opportunity to see how much I have grown in the last four years.

I forgive the Universe. The Universe forgives me. I forgive myself.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

An article in the World News section of the paper had a small mention of a law about to be passed in Brazil...

...and I quote:

"In a nation known for its jubilant spirit, massive parties and seemingly intrinsic ability to celebrate anything, is a constitutional amendment really required to protect the pursuit of happiness?

Several lawmakers think so, and a bill to amend Brazil's constitution to make the search for happiness an inalienable right is expected to be approved soon by the Senate."

WOW! Really?

Not only that, but Brazil is not the first country to push this officially; Japan and South Korea include the right to happiness in their constitutions and the British government is spending a bloody fortune on a project to measure citizens' well-being.

Of course, in 1776, the U.S. Declaration of Independence wrote about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" so perhaps this recent development isn't really news after all.

Legislation allowing people to be happy? WOW! Really? This seems kinda' sad.

Do we actually need permission, laws, telling us it's okay to pursue an "inalienable" right? Doesn't "inalienable" mean that it is not subject to forfeiture, repudiation, or transfer to another?

As I think about society, the people I come into contact with on a daily basis, even if only superficially, I'm not sure I hear any laughter. Don't people laugh any more? I'm thinking not so much. Statistics show that children laugh almost all the time, but by adulthood, we are barely even showing teeth. I wrote about this in an earlier blog; here is a quote from June 5th:

"Children smile 400 times a day on average...adults 15 times.

Children laugh 150 times a day...adults 6 times per day.

Children play between 4-6 hours a day...adults only 20 minutes

a day.

What's happened?"

Robert Holden (from 'Living Wonderfully')

I believe this happens because we have lost the belief that we deserve to be happy. What if we knew that our only purpose, as decreed by The Universe, Divine Intelligence, God, whatever you believe runs the place, was to live in a state of happiness? Brene Brown says we need "The courage to be imperfect." Only because we feel we are flawed - the original sin concept in Christian religion - do we believe that we need to punish ourselves by withholding happiness from our lives. What if we got over that notion? WOW! Would life be good, or what?

But isn't our mind already made up? And if so, can it be changed? Richard J. Davidson, a pre-eminent researcher on the topic of Neuroplasticity, defines that term as "The brain being the organ built to change in response to experience." If experience does change the brain because it is malleable, then we need to provide the brain with experiences that change it in the way we want it to move. We need to understand that we are in charge of our brain, not the other way round.

Many protocols help with this process of brain change: daily affirmations, meditation, surrounding yourself with people who live with gusto and good energy, smiling even if you don't feel like it (fake it 'til you make it) and exercise. WOW!...physical exercise is better for brain health than cognitive exercise because it changes the building blocks for brain growth, allowing new neurons to be born. (Google NPR audio on physical exercise and brain growth - hippocampus - for a good listen on this study.) The study showed that in a control group of unfit people, 40 minutes of walking three times a week was enough to stimulate brain growth.

Bottom line: quit your stinkin' thinkin' as Paul Chek always says!

Go to this link for an absolutely beautiful experience that might just change your way of thinking and your life so you don't have to chase happiness...you will have created it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

WOW! Really.

...PERCHANCE, TO DREAM...

Most dreams occur during REM (Rapid Eye Movement) sleep. Criteria for REM sleep includes not only rapid eye movement, but also low muscle tone and a rapid, low-voltage EEG; these features are easily discernible in a polysomnogram. REM Sleep stages last between five and forty-five minutes! Our REM sleep comes in short segments at the beginning of sleep and lengthens toward morning. That is why it is often easier to remember a dream upon waking in the morning; you have just experienced it and for a long time!

Many folks say they never dream, but that is just not so. Everyone dreams, but not everyone trains themselves to remember their dreams. Often, we are disturbed by our dreams or feel that they are so odd and disjointed that they can't have any meaning or significance in our waking lives. This may play a part in the forgetting.

"Dreams don't waste our time." Carl Jung

How can you begin to remember what goes on in your dream life? Upon going to bed, tell yourself - right before you fall asleep - that you will wake in the morning refreshed and able to recall the dreams you had during the night. Do this every night, even if it doesn't materialize that way right away! Over a period of time, you will have sent the message to your subconscious mind that you want to remember your dreams and your subconscious mind only knows how to manifest, so it will happen.

Keep a dream journal. Write down what you recall from dreams the night before. As time passes, these journalings will become more and more detailed as you recall your dreams more and more vividly. Some dreamers I know write down the dream during the night upon waking up from one. If that seems too sleep-disruptive (turning on a bright light can do that), do what others do and have a tape recorder on the bedside table so that you can speak into and record what you have just dreamed. This record can then be transcribed into your journal.

What is the point of keeping a dream journal?

Dreams are the subconscious mind's way of communicating, problem-solving, and instructing you when the conscious mind is out of the way! The conscious mind needs sleep. The subconscious mind never sleeps. Those who meditate find that dreams can be the answer to puzzles they have been trying to solve: ask for an answer as you meditate before you drift off to sleep and the response may be given you in dream form during the night. For those who believe that The Universe is always broadcasting, dreams are a way to tap into that higher frequency. Einstein said that he solved many problems while asleep...the equations were completed in his REM sleep.

What do your dreams mean?

Often, it is easier to interpret a dream someone else has than to interpret our own. We are too close to our problems...it's 'the forest for the trees' thing. There are many good books that deal with universal dream symbols. These can be instructive, fun, and help you in ferreting through the symbols rife in your dream world. Many clinical hypnotherapists, psychologists, intuits, shamans, and those gifted with clairsentient skills can help you read your dreams. Find a skilled teacher and bring him or her into your life.

Your dreams can show you what you have mastered, what you need to work on, where your struggles are, who you truly are...they can tell you what is coming to you, what you fear, what you can create...they are like a life road map, showing where you've been and where you are going. And they are fun! Isn't everyone fascinated with themselves? Don't we want to peel back the layers of the onion (us) and see what's inside?

If we can see what's inside, our fear of the unknown is dissolved.

Often, our Shadow Self, is revealed to us in dreams, also our animus or anima. Fear of our shadow is fear of something we can't look in the face. Once we shine a light on something we are afraid of, that thing seems less threatening, more manageable, less in control of us. Dream analysis allows us the opportunity to do just that: shine a light on 'the dark night of the soul'. There are always two meanings to a dream: one, the outer life and the other, the inner life. This is why some of the symbols are so ordinary and may reflect something that actually happened in the recent past. Those same symbols also point to what is going on in our spiritual life, though I do not mean that in the religious context. We all have spirit inside us, soul. This is where growth happens. This is where we define our purpose and gather the strength to accomplish what we are here to do.

Here is a sample of one of my dreams and how it was interpreted by one of my teachers:

I am on a scooter, leaving a filing station. This is on a huge space, on a corner, in a large city, but it has a deserted feel. There are no people or cars anywhere. As I am headed for the street, a silver Porsche drives in. I think the driver is my former husband. I think he will slow down and I will do a maneuver on my scooter and we will end up in the same direction at the same speed - like a crazy movie car stunt. The car doesn't do that. The driver is a man, but faceless, not my former husband. I am in the car. Me, exactly as I am now...same age, hair, same face...and I am laughing like crazy. In my dream, sitting on that scooter, I am so surprised to see myself.

(When I woke up, it felt so odd to have had a dream where I look like myself. Although I have been in almost all of my dreams, this was the first time that I appeared this way. That made me feel the dream was an important one.)

My teacher studies The Tree of Life and the Qabalah, so she always sees the symbols as they refer back to that knowledge. Yesod is the sephirot (energy center) designating balance between emotion and intellect. Though the color of Yesod is purple, the corresponding metal is silver. This would indicate that I am finally learning how to maintain a balance between my emotions (which are what I have always led with) and my intellect. She felt from this dream that I was on the brink of a huge shift, that The Universe was communicating with me, that I am going to be all right, and that my dreams have a prophetic quality about them: I dream things a short time before they happen.

Additionally, a car represents the human body, how one gets around in the world. My former husband represents my masculine side, the one that is trying to be responsible and take care of me.

I interpret this dream to mean that where I once relied upon a husband to care for me because I was too childlike to want that responsibility, I am willing to take care of myself, am learning to do that...that companionship is a plus, but not a necessity...that I am filled with laughter (true enough!) and truly a happy person now...that I AM a sleek and racy sports car...that I will be all right.

Some books about dream analysis...

Animal Spirit Guides by Stephen Farmer, PhD

The Complete Dictionary of Symbol (no author, just editor)

A Dictionary of Symbols by J.E. Cirlot

Dream Power by Dr. Ann Faraday

Just remember..."A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes..."

...ANOTHER DAY HERE

There has been sad news the last two days about the passing of a Dallas fashion icon. Shelly Musselman died this morning of a brain aneurysm suffered while skiing down Aspen mountain with her husband and some dear friends. A beautiful, vibrant, nice woman, Shelly was in her late fifties and this is shocking, for she was fit and healthy in appearance and lifestyle.

I write about this not because I knew her other than a smile shared when we passed in the hair salon or at the organic cafe we both frequented. I write about this not because the most expensive dress I have ever bought came from her elegant shop. I write about this because our days on this earth, in this life, are not a given and we don't have a crystal ball into which we can peer for answers to our future.

I write about this because events such as this are opportunities for the rest of us to take stock of where we are, attend to some housekeeping details:

My business partner and I discuss the necessity for life insurance our company purchases to protect the survivor should one of us meet an untimely death.

I reaffirm to my daughter that I love her "to pieces".

I examine the course of my life: note the changes needed, be the person I say I want to be, create the life I feel I am meant to live. Don't wait.

I tell myself that I love me. Whatever needs to righted on my personal ship, needs to be righted.

Reaffirming what and who is important to me allows me to be sure that my calendar reflects time spent on what I say matters to me.

Every second I draw breath is an opportunity to live out loud, to love until my heart fairly bursts, to laugh until the tears roll down my cheeks, to quietly wonder at the beauty all around me, to be grateful for every drop of every thing that has puddled up to make my life what it is.

Having said all that and with respect for the sudden, tragic loss of this woman to her family, who wouldn't want to go they way she went? Given the guarantee of a painless, quick death flying down a beautiful mountain as opposed to the prospect of withering away from some debilitating disease in a bed or wheelchair surrounded by a bunch of people doing the same, I would grab at the mountain option.

Life is a tenuous filament, a gossamer wisp, to be cherished with awe...

"I don't want to forget that the present is a gift

And I don't want to take for granted

The time you may have here with me

'Cause Lord only knows another day here's not really guaranteed."

Like You'll Never See Me Again by

Alicia Keys

ANGELS

It's Christmas Day.

Every year, at this time, The Dallas Morning News reruns a column written by the late Paul Crume entitled "Angels among us". It is heartwarming, bittersweet, hopeful...touches a cord within the reader at his or her emotional level that instant.

Every year, I reread this column and I am touched in my most vulnerable place at that time in my life. This day is no exception.

There is a quote in the article from Francis Thompson, a late-19th-century English poet who lived a life we might describe as one of quiet desperation on his way toward posthumous immortality. I don't remember this quote from all the other times I have read the article. But that is part of the beauty of life...there is always something fresh to be gleaned from even the act of going back over something you have experienced before. The reason? You see it from the perspective of your growth since the last time. That is why myth is so powerful, why we can read and read again novels that made an impact the first time, why the archetypes are so important, why you can study "the mysteries" your entire lifetime and always have new insights and receive new information that is transformative. You also see it from the need you have at this point in time. It is often that need that transforms the lesson for us the second or third time around. The Universe is always sending us what we are seeking, whether we know it or accept the truth of that or not!

The quote: "The angels keep their ancient places. Turn but a stone, and start a wing."

How I love that! The imagery...turn but a stone, and start a wing.

This started a wondering. I can make a list of the people in my life who have been angels to me, who still are angels in my life. What about those angels I never recognized as such?

I have to stop right here to interject something that just happened as I

am writing this. A text comes on my phone from someone I have only

met, in a store, twice in my life...a beautiful soul inside and out. She wishes

me a Merry Christmas and the thought of her energy makes me so

happy, so grateful for having the experience of her that I know I have

been touched by an angel...just now!

Where was I?! Oh, yes!

What about the angels in my life that were just fleeting glimpses, not unlike the shadow of a bird's wings as it flies overhead? What about the angel that lives inside me, whose voice speaks to me, at times in whispers, other times more insistently? What about the divine plan that is a promise to each of us, even if we don't heed its call? Is that not a form of angel? What about the hope that I have been or may yet be an angel to someone who needs one?

The article closes with these lines: "There is an angel close to you this day. Merry Christmas, and I wish you well."

May you feel the beat of the wings.

"NO." IT'S NOT THE SAME AS 'BAH, HUMBUG!'

Hard to believe I would write a blog about saying "no" during this holiday season, huh.

In the light of gift-giving during the holidays, a client brought by delicious gluten-free, home baked brownies and butterscotch fudge squares. Sweetly wrapped for the season, each goody bag contained a card with an affirmation printed on the back. "Pick your affirmation," this friend urged, adding that it would be exactly the one I needed since the Universe would guide my hand in choosing it. She waited, with a beautiful smile on her face, for me to open and read mine.

"Unless you are capable of saying no, your yes is meaningless."

Frankly, I was disappointed, probably wanting to be told that I had mastered the art of unconditional love and that waiting for me in the parking lot was my tall, dark, ruggedly handsome soul mate. She, on the other hand, clapped her hands in glee, convinced that the affirmation was perfect for me.

"Isn't that just perfect for Claudia?", she asked my business partner.

The next morning, The Dallas Morning News featured an article in the business section titled "The Art of Rejection - Saying 'no' can raise the quality of your work and life alike".

Hmmmm. The Universe at work?

I was forced to examine this 'truth' anew. In the very first days of my work with my HLC coach, I had heard this phrase, as he tried to instill in me the idea of core values...knowing what was not just important to have in place in my life, but what was crucial to creating the life I wanted to live. Later on, when I started to study the Foundational Principles of Health, Paul Chef used that same phrase to drive home a similar point during a PPS Workshop. I thought I had been there, done that. So why was this being presented to me again?

I have never wanted to purposely hurt someone's feelings, so I have said yes to many things I truly did not want to do. Often, the experience proved to be more palatable that I would have first imagined. More honestly, I have said yes to things so that others wouldn't be angry with me, would "like" me. Again, I wasn't agreeing to eat fried worms, so there was no real downside to my participation. But there were many things I said yes to that were a real beat-down and I entered into them with a truly terrible attitude. Why do that to myself or others? What a waste.

I wasn't being authentic...wasn't being true to myself.

In fact, I was sacrificing myself.

I was putting the needs of everyone, every organization, before my needs

I was placing value on everything else, but me!

In the past four years, as I continue to work on my personal, professional and spiritual growth with my coach and other mentors in my life, I have gotten better at saying "no". I understand my needs and feel comfortable working for their fulfillment. I realize that we all have the same amount of time in the day; time is, however, a precious commodity and I don't want to waste it. (Of course, I don't count 'piddling' as a waste of time!) There are things my friends ask me to do that I have no interest in doing. I say so, hopefully, in the nicest way possible. I still don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I also understand when others don't want to do something I might suggest and allow them to make that choice for themselves. More importantly, I give myself permission to value what I value, no apologies or explanations required.

The bottom line is that as I value myself more, I allow myself to say no. It isn't selfishness, or a grinch-like attitude. It is taking care of myself, taking responsibility for myself...my health, my emotional well-being, my growth as a human. It is honoring my core values, spending time on things that I say are important to me.

I liked the quote in the DMN article on "The Art of Rejection":

"It's easier to say no with conviction when you have a real reason for

saying it. Know what you want to accomplish at work and the relation-

ships you want to have outside of work...When you can identify and embrace

your priorities and focus on what you want more of - you feel more justified

saying no in order to pursue those goals."

Thank you, Steph, not only for the treats, but for allowing me to focus again on my core values, especially during this hectic time of the year. Saying "No" can be a loving and beautiful affirmation of one's resolve to live authentically, fully, and in tune with those things that truly matter the most in one's life.

Merry...Happy...with love!