WELL, MAYBE NOT EXACTLY...

My blogs are usually personal, reflecting some troubling aspect of a life lesson that I am attempting to get a handle on.

Many times I have said that there is no unique human experience and many readers have commented that they felt I was reading their minds when I wrote about what I was grappling with. But I was wrong about that.

More specifically, I should have said there is no unique human emotion. We all experience anger, sadness, love, fear...we may or may not share an experience that creates that emotion in us.

I remember being in a department store with my three year-old daughter. I was buying a lipstick or something and when I turned around, Kelsey was not in sight. Nowhere. I called her name. No response. She had been right beside me, but I couldn't find her. I started to feel a rising panic as I made small but every widening circles from the make-up counter in search of her. This went on for several minutes - maybe only seconds in reality - as I began to imagine the worst: my child had been taken. I began to get physically ill, praying that she was safe, trying to decide if now was the moment I called store security. And then, there she was, right in front of me, as though she had been there all the time.

I can tell you what that sick fear feels like. I share that emotion with the mother who has had a child taken from a playground or her front yard. Our human experience was not the same, but our initial gut reaction was exactly the same...disbelief, terror, a sickness in the pit of the stomach that cannot be described in words.

There is no unique human emotion. The experiences that create these emotions are what create "our story" as Byron Katie calls our life. The experience is the landscape of our life and that terrain varies from individual to individual. The visceral reaction is the underpinning that connects us in our humanity, just as the earth's crust has a structural foundation upon which mountains, valleys, prairie lands, and the seas rest.

I was lucky. My child was safe, unharmed, probably not even aware of what had happened in that store those few moments. Do I know what the other mother went through as hours grew into days or weeks? Well, not exactly, and yet we are sisters.

A SELF-FULLFILLING PROPHECY?

I believe that many of us would be happier and more productive if we could learn to turn our minds off!

What? Blasphemy. Heresy. No, truth.

Proof of this can be found in the number of best selling books that coax, teach, exhort us to do just that:

"Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life"

by Martin E. P Seligman, Ph.D.

"Stillness Speaks" by Eckhart Tolle

"Loving What Is" by Byron Katie with Stephen Mitchell

"The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Diodge, M.D.

"Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of happiness, Love and Wisdom"

by Hanson, Ph.D., and Mendius, M.D.

Modern research on the brain has centered around the concept of neuroplasticity: Neuroplasticity is a non-specific neuroscience term referring to the ability of the brain and nervous system in all species to change structurally and functionally as a result of input from the environment.

This concept of neuroplasticity opens the door to the idea that - with some effort on our part - we can change the way we think, change how our brain works, change the mind that controls and structures our view of the world and our place in that world.

Hallelujah and zip-a-dee-do-dah!

As Doidge writes, our thoughts can change the structure and function of our brains, even into old age. We have heard of the 'power of positive thinking', but there is now scientific credibility that moves this concept from the area of self-help into the science section of your favorite book store.

Here is my concern: if, as Byron Katie writes, the root cause of suffering is identification with our thoughts, with the 'stories' that are continuously running through our minds like a bad "Groundhog Day", can the cycle be broken?

On a personal level, this is a constant struggle for me. I have had success with thoughts of gratitude, with nipping a fearful thought in the bud, so to speak. Conversely, I can do a number on myself! The only cure is a relentless attention to what I think...giving myself permission to not believe every thought that runs through my head...knowing that change is possible...fiercely claiming happiness as my right and my purpose. This requires, in part, a faith that 'what is' is what is supposed to be and making peace with that without delegating responsibility for myself to some other entity.

U. S. Anderson wrote "Three Magic Words", another book about changing how we think. He speaks of The Mental Diet. This is a wonderful thirty-day exercise anyone can do and isn't your health and happiness worth an investment of the next thirty days? The answer to that question is yes!

Here are the steps in Anderson's Mental Diet:

1. For two days, record all negative thought.

2. For thirty days, first reject all negative thought. (Trudy Evans, C. H., teaches her students and clients to say "Cancel, cancel, cancel" whenever one comes into the mind.)

3. Entertain only positive thoughts of good and abundance.

4. Engage in a daily period of thought control through breathing exercises. (The Navy Seals use breath control as one part of a four-part program to move the brain away from problem solving via the amygdala to use of the frontal lobe.)

5. Meditate every day.

Are we self-fullfilling prophecies? We can be!

"Until you become a master of your thinking, you will never become master of your fate." U. S. Anderson

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE

We can't see it, but we can sure feel it!

Negative energy.

There are several ways in which we can protect ourselves from the effects of being around people who emit this type of energy: we can simply steer clear of them...we can wear a clove of garlic underneath our shirts...we can meditate before we know we are going to be with them, surrounding ourselves with that universal "white light" as a protective measure...we can bless the divine in them and offer an affirmation for joy and positive energy in their lives.

We can also become engulfed in the turmoil they carry with them.

But what good does that do them or us? When we are vulnerable, either because we are tired or have not properly fed or exercised ourselves, we are more susceptible to being dragged down by a negative person.

Studies show that most of the time, energy emanating from a positive, happy person can actually change the energy in a room full of fifty people; positive energy is that strong! There are, however, some folks who can drag a happy person down to their unhappy level, albeit unconsciously.

Emotion is contagious.

In his book The Tipping Point, author Malcolm Gladwell writes that "Emotion goes inside-out. Emotional contagion, though, suggests that the opposite is also true. If I can make you smile, I can make you happy. If I can make you frown, I can make you sad. Emotion, in this sense, goes outside-in."

Some of us are very good at expressing our emotions and feelings. This makes us much more emotionally 'contagious' than those who are not good at this expression. Psychologists call good expressers "senders." They would, in medical terms, be called carriers. There is a second group of people who are very susceptible to these senders or carriers.

Howard Friedman, a psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, developed the Affective Communication Test, which measures the ability to send emotion, to be contagious. In tests Friedman conducted with those who scored well on the test and those who didn't, he found that low-scorers ended up - in just a few minutes, without a word being spoken - picking up on the moods of the high-scorers. Gladwell writes, "If the charismatic person started out depressed, and the inexpressive person started out happy, by the end of the two minutes the inexpressive person was depressed as well. But it didn't work the other way. Only the charismatic person could infect the other people in the room with his or her emotions."

Emotion can progess much like a disease!

How, then, do we protect ourselves from the disease of negative energy? Obviously, be a charismatic person...be a carrier, a "sender." But what if charisma is not our forte?

I think we serve ourselves well if we are in tune with who we are and what our core values are. Someone firmly rooted in their sense of self is not easily swayed from what grounds them. Additionally, if we know where our emotional weak links are, we are better able to protect those weak areas while we work to build a better foundation upon which to stand. I have written before about Rick Hanson's book, Budda's Brain. As the book jacket reads, "Buddha's Brain draws on the latest research to show how to stimulate and strengthen your brain for more fulfilling relationships, a deeper spiritual life, and a greater sense of inner confidence and worth. You'll learn how to activate the brain states of calm, joy, and compassion instead of worry, sorrow, and anger." All the better to withstand the negative energy around you.

Practically, understand that you are allowed to set boundaries; people are only allowed the access you give them. Being a loving, caring person does not mean that you are required to let anyone walk over or through you in order to have their needs met. Do not invite negative energy in by being too accessible to those who have it. You are 'a people', too!

Know that it is perfectly okay for you to have a good day when even those closest to you are not. I came to realize one of my most freeing life lessons when my daughter was in high school: it was alright for me to be happy even when she was miserable. One morning, she left for school almost in tears from something unresolved in her social life from the night before. I was so very wrapped up in her (no boundaries) that I worried for her, about her and was miserable for the both of us all day. When she came home from school, she was fine...just fine...and I had made myself a pathetic wreck of a person all day.

As always, I come back to cultivating a sense of humor about life. Delicious ironies abound. Perhaps this is divine intelligence having a good time...God enjoying a joke like the rest of us!

There are many things in life that are serious, but taking oneself too seriously is pomposity. Allowing a person with negative energy to take over your emotional life is taking things way too seriously. Lighten up and laugh!

Know who you are. Have boundaries in place. Choose happiness. Change your brain, if called for. Avoid, affirm, meditate, or pray, but leave the garlic for that relaxing, home cooked meal you are planning!

THINK ON THIS

When the subject of meditation comes to mind, many picture the cartoon with the turbaned swami, in lotus position, sitting at the entrance of a cave on a mountain top. If not this image, perhaps one of tie-died, alternative lifestyle proponents...or those not willing to live in the here and now...or slackers...or Yanni fans.

Meditate, as defined in the dictionary, is to think intently and at length; to reflect deeply on a subject. This may be for spiritual purposes.

Would it surprise you to know that meditation is a practice which can actually change the way your mind works in order to achieve health and wellness, higher levels of performance, minimize or eradicate certain medical conditions, and create joy?

In "The Practical Neuroscience of Buddha's Brain" by Rick Hanson, PhD., Dr. Hanson writes:

'Meditation increases gray matter in brain regions that handle attention,

compassion, and empathy. It also helps a variety of medical conditions,

strengthens the immune system, and improves psychological functioning.'

Wow. Maybe those New Age goof-bugs are on to something!

The medical conditions that have been shown to improve upon entering into the practice of meditation are...allergies...anxiety...asthma...binge eating...cancer...depression...fatigue...heart conditions...high blood pressure...pain...sleep irregularities...substance abuse.

Even the June 2011 issue of "Health" magazine calls meditation "The single best All-Natural Painkiller". In a study at Wake Forest University School of Medicine, meditation reduced pain by 40 percent as compared with morphine, which only reduced the same pain by 25 percent. Robert Coghill, PhD, associate professor of neurobiology said subjects used the "focused attention" technique in dealing with the effects of a pain-inducing heating device used in the controlled study. (Health.com)

So - as the joke goes - Don't just do something...sit there!

The mind/brain is a powerful combination, but as I have written before, the mind is not always our friend. Often it actually gets in the way of our achievement and happiness. Richard Dawkins, author of "The Selfish Gene", talks about 'memes', which are self-replicating ideas, usually of a negative nature. Dr. Hanson, in "Buddha's Brain", writes that the mind is wired to go to a negative and hang onto it, constantly seeing every life event through the lens of that negative image. Both authors believe that this 'self-replication' entrenches that negative thought, giving it greater power over us each time it runs the circuit through our brain.

Meditation can redirect this mind game.

"We are sick with fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conception and ideas. Meditation is therefore the art of suspending verbal and symbolic thinking for a time, somewhat as a courteous audience will stop talking when a concert is about to begin." Alan Watt.

But suspend thinking for what?

Meditation is the art of going within.

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." Carl Jung

Traditional religion and the Esoterics teach that the "creator" gives us an inner wisdom, holy spirit, higher intelligence, subconscious mind - whatever you want to call it. This knowing presence always serves as a guide to where we want to go and via the most direct route. All we have to do is to be quiet long enough to hear that wisdom we hold within and then act on it.

Make no mistake. Meditation is a practice. It is not always easy to meditate. It is a life-long pursuit of a state that Osho calls "no-mind" - the ability to be a mirror, to watch the world, our thoughts, pass through us without attachment of emotion or an expectation of outcome.

"Meditation is at its most potent when you have no expectation, when you're open to everything and when you maintain an attitude of naive fascination." Paul Wilson in "The Quiet"

How to start if you have never tried to meditate? Going back to the "focused attention" tecnhique: Close your eyes, breathe through your nose, and concentrate on the air coming in and going out. Feel the warm air on your upper lip as you exhale. If your 'mind' wanders, let it. Tell it you will come back to that in a bit and redirect your attention to the breath on your lip. The more you practice, the better it works!

"He who breathes deepest lives most." Elizabeth Barrett Browning

The Legacy Performance and Integrated Wellness Center hosts Guided Meditations each month. We know the power of thought...Step 3 in the Legacy Wellness Program: Begin to think. We use meditation as a tool for Goal Setting, Performance Training, Life-Living! Check our monthly calendar for times. (Monday, May 23rd. at 7:00 PM is the next one!)

CREATING A REFUGE

I am reading "Buddha's Brain", written by Rick Hanson, PhD and neuropsychologist.

Wow, I say WOW!

What an easy to read explanation of how the brain works...the scientific and neurological explanation of why we reinforce disempowering meme structures that take us farther and farther away from what we truly want, which is happiness, love, and peace of mind.

The chapter I read last night talked about one's haven or refuge...and asked if the reader had one and what it was. The author talked about a place, person, concept or activity, as examples, that represented safety and a sense of calmness when we engaged with that place, person or thing.

This totally rocked my boat because my first response was that I did not have such a thing in my life. And that started me throwing what he calls 'second darts' at myself This is the very act of buying into an old thought pattern that is usually false, and definitely serves only to create pain or sadness, becoming a more entrained thought pattern each time one calls it up. This sets one up for the next opportunity to throw that same miserable 'dart'...oh, poor me: I've moved around my whole life, I ended a long marriage and am alone, my daughter is healthy and independent...I have no safe place, no one to depend upon...yada, yada, yada.

I started to really look at my life. Really look at my life. I used a bit of Byron Katie, asking myself the four questions...

...is it true that I have no safe haven?

...is it absolutely true that I have no safe haven?

...how would I feel if I didn't believe this?

...and, then, the turn-around, which is always the truth-seeking missile in the process!

Question 1: it is true that I live alone, have no extended family, and choose not to rely upon my only child.

Question 2: nothing can be absolutely true. I have spent the last twenty years creating a home and a yard that is soothing, comforting, lovely to look at, comfortable to be in, and feels safe from harm. This is as true for me now as it was when I was married and living in this same house.

Question 3: if I didn't feel alone, without a safety net, how would I feel? Well, I would dance in the moonlight, feel light as a zephyr, revel in the deliciousness of life, have a happy, open heart!

Question 4: the turnaround? No one is responsible for my safety, my peace of mind, my joy, my lovingness, my life, but me. If I don't feel safe, have a place of refuge where I can cleanse myself from the world, it is no one's fault but my own. Period. The world doesn't owe me anything. No person in this world owes me anything. I owe myself everything!

So what did I gain from this exercise? Clarity. Insight. Joy - a small little pattern broken, which starts to create a positive mental construct I can use on the next 'dart'. Power. A feeling of calm and a sense of myself as the master of my circumstances.

The buck stops here!

IF A PELICAN SHOWS UP...

...IT MEANS:

This is an opportunity to forgive either yourself or someone else and release any built-up guilt or resentment...from Animal Spirit Guides by Steven D. Farmer, PhD

There is a lot of talk about forgiveness.

We are supposed to forgive those who have hurt us...ask for forgiveness from those we feel we have hurt...forgive the Universe as a collective - can't leave anyone out there! But the most important and most difficult part of forgiveness is forgiving ourselves.

I bring this up because I had a dream last night in which a pelican did show up! The handbook I referenced above has been pretty spot-on when it comes to deciphering the meaning of animals in my life.

Just so happens, that I have been thinking about forgiveness.

You know for every five or ten people who think you are so caring and loving and helpful...as a person, as a coach...there is at least one person who thinks you are a jerk, or worse, a fraud. I had an email encounter with one such person a few weeks ago.

This is a woman who had been a good friend. After my divorce, we both tried to continue the friendship, but we drifted farther and farther apart, spent less and less time together, never talked on the phone. I could go into detail about how my conversations with her made me feel...what I felt she was about regarding my new life and that of my former husband. But, truly, that doesn't matter. When her youngest daughter got married, I did not travel to the wedding, I did not send a gift right away (I had every intention of doing so, but it wasn't high on my list of priorities). In short, I did not treat this event with much care and love. My friend was hurt. And rightfully so. She never called me to task. What I did receive was an email six months later telling me to take her off my client email list and just how despicable she thought I was.

I was a bit taken aback. My response was to agree to do so, tell her that I accepted my share of responsibility in the failed friendship, and to offer my apologies.

What truly surprised me was how I digested this emotional tidbit.

I accepted the truth of my neglect and her hurt over how I had handled the situation. In my mind, I acknowledged that, even though I would not have gone to the wedding, I could have handled everything else about that event differently and in a way that would have assured my friend that I, too, felt it was an important and special life event. I also acknowledged that because I made the choice not to do those things, I didn't value the friendship now the way I had once. I asked the Universe for forgiveness. I forgave myself for not being perfect, not being the perfect, loving friend to this person. I allowed myself the freedom to screw up, took responsibility for that, and understood her hurt, which had turned into anger with me.

Do I think I took the high road when it came to the wedding six months ago? No. I knew I was not responding in the way of a friend. Do I think I took the high road when it came to her email? Yes, if taking the high road is not getting angry with her because she called me on my behavior or resenting her for rubbing my nose in some stinky business of mine. Will I remember this and try to do better? Yes.

So my little pelican friend showed up at the perfect time. This was an opportunity to forgive myself for still having work to do as I grow into the person I am meant to be! This was also an opportunity to see how much I have grown in the last four years.

I forgive the Universe. The Universe forgives me. I forgive myself.

THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

An article in the World News section of the paper had a small mention of a law about to be passed in Brazil...

...and I quote:

"In a nation known for its jubilant spirit, massive parties and seemingly intrinsic ability to celebrate anything, is a constitutional amendment really required to protect the pursuit of happiness?

Several lawmakers think so, and a bill to amend Brazil's constitution to make the search for happiness an inalienable right is expected to be approved soon by the Senate."

WOW! Really?

Not only that, but Brazil is not the first country to push this officially; Japan and South Korea include the right to happiness in their constitutions and the British government is spending a bloody fortune on a project to measure citizens' well-being.

Of course, in 1776, the U.S. Declaration of Independence wrote about "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" so perhaps this recent development isn't really news after all.

Legislation allowing people to be happy? WOW! Really? This seems kinda' sad.

Do we actually need permission, laws, telling us it's okay to pursue an "inalienable" right? Doesn't "inalienable" mean that it is not subject to forfeiture, repudiation, or transfer to another?

As I think about society, the people I come into contact with on a daily basis, even if only superficially, I'm not sure I hear any laughter. Don't people laugh any more? I'm thinking not so much. Statistics show that children laugh almost all the time, but by adulthood, we are barely even showing teeth. I wrote about this in an earlier blog; here is a quote from June 5th:

"Children smile 400 times a day on average...adults 15 times.

Children laugh 150 times a day...adults 6 times per day.

Children play between 4-6 hours a day...adults only 20 minutes

a day.

What's happened?"

Robert Holden (from 'Living Wonderfully')

I believe this happens because we have lost the belief that we deserve to be happy. What if we knew that our only purpose, as decreed by The Universe, Divine Intelligence, God, whatever you believe runs the place, was to live in a state of happiness? Brene Brown says we need "The courage to be imperfect." Only because we feel we are flawed - the original sin concept in Christian religion - do we believe that we need to punish ourselves by withholding happiness from our lives. What if we got over that notion? WOW! Would life be good, or what?

But isn't our mind already made up? And if so, can it be changed? Richard J. Davidson, a pre-eminent researcher on the topic of Neuroplasticity, defines that term as "The brain being the organ built to change in response to experience." If experience does change the brain because it is malleable, then we need to provide the brain with experiences that change it in the way we want it to move. We need to understand that we are in charge of our brain, not the other way round.

Many protocols help with this process of brain change: daily affirmations, meditation, surrounding yourself with people who live with gusto and good energy, smiling even if you don't feel like it (fake it 'til you make it) and exercise. WOW!...physical exercise is better for brain health than cognitive exercise because it changes the building blocks for brain growth, allowing new neurons to be born. (Google NPR audio on physical exercise and brain growth - hippocampus - for a good listen on this study.) The study showed that in a control group of unfit people, 40 minutes of walking three times a week was enough to stimulate brain growth.

Bottom line: quit your stinkin' thinkin' as Paul Chek always says!

Go to this link for an absolutely beautiful experience that might just change your way of thinking and your life so you don't have to chase happiness...you will have created it.

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

WOW! Really.