But it hurts and, no matter how many times you have had to put an animal down, it never gets easy. That's okay. It should hurt. It should never be easy to part with a loving presence in your life.
This morning, I said goodbye to Tarbaby...perhaps not the most politically correct of names, you may be thinking. When I trapped her, her feral mother and the only surviving litter mate of that third litter, she weighed in around 1 1/2 pounds and was black as tar. I never intended on keeping any of them since this was the second feral family I had 'rescued' and I had an indoor cat, so when the vet asked me for her name, I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind.
After neutering and surgery - 'Tar' was so small the vet had no mask little enough to administer the gas - she was too little and too sick to be 'released'. I found a home for her litter mate and returned the mom to my back yard, where I had been feeding her for about two years. Long story short, Tarbaby was now an indoor cat.
She was difficult. Okay, perhaps I have been kind. That little thing was wild and not exactly right. After about a year, my old indoor cat had to be put down. A year later, the feral mom didn't show up for breakfast one morning. Tarbaby was alone in the house.
When she and I would meet in the hallway, Tar would become a cartoon cat, legs going a hundred miles an hour the opposite way, as though she had never seen me before or experienced us in the hall together before...even if it had happened just moments earlier.
Tarbaby sat in my lap once. It was an accident and she was so shocked that she actually stayed for a few seconds! But if I was home in bed during the day, she would come sleep with me. When she was little, she would crawl under the covers and burrow her head in my armpit. Did I mention that she wasn't exactly right? In the beginning, she was trained to the litter box. Something happened, I don't know what, and then she wasn't trained. I have shampooed and replaced carpet over and over during the four years we were together. I have cried about how feral she was. I had talk after talk with my vet and tried every silly remedy they suggested. I thought about putting her down just because I didn't think I could live the rest of my life like that. I cried to even think I could be a person who would kill something just because it was inconvenient and difficult. I decided to keep her and love her, even though I did try thought transference with her...just fyi, cats are resistant to mind control.
In the end, I made peace with Tarbaby. After my divorce, it was nice to have someone to talk to when I came home late from the office. And I am a care-giver, so in addition to the feral family of three living in my yard, I had a little 'inside' body to look after.
She was only sick for about two weeks. I am grateful for that. I don't believe in watching an animal you love suffer because you are not ready to part with them. That is cruel to me. I stayed with her this morning, as I have done with the four or five other cats I have put down. I didn't always do that. The first two pets I lost, died without me or my husband with them. I was too emotional to stay, I thought. It would be too hard for me to watch. But the guilt I felt leaving my pet to die alone made the grief last for days and days. Once I faced the death of a pet and stayed to 'sit with' that loss, the crying only lasted for a day, not a week. Of course, I was emotional, but not from the guilt of leaving: emotional from the end of something precious in my life.
I did right by Tarbaby. I gave her a loving home when others might have kicked her out for being a mess. Well, life can be messy. If we wanted a pristine environment, we would not have a spouse or significant other...no children...no friends...and definitely no pets. We would live in our perfect world, with our sweet smelling rooms, walking on our whiter-than-white carpet totally alone. Totally alone.
And where would the fun be in that?
Tarbaby taught me something about myself. And when you think about death - of a pet or a friend or a loved one - saying goodbye is a beautiful way of honoring the relationship that existed in life It's not easy, but it's not supposed to be.
My heart goes out to you. I know that this has been difficult. Your inspiration under the circumstances is empowering. To me, our pets don't just wader into our lives. Even in the most difficult cases, the universe has given us exactly the pet we need to conquer and comfort us in our journey. Indeed, God lets us experience the life cycle of a precious spirit> What a beautiful gift.
ReplyDelete