In the beginning, food was one of the instant gratifications received when we cried at the top of our lungs. It not only nourished our little bodies, but gave us emotional sustenance as well: whether nursed or bottle-fed, we were held, close in our mother's arms, warm, secure, loved.
As we grew, food was a part of family celebrations. What was our birthday without cake and ice cream? Who could have Thanksgiving without dressing, cranberries, and pumpkin pie? Christmas without all the trimmings (and I'm not talking twinkle lights here)? Impossible! We were usually rewarded with food: a 'treat' for being good or for making good grades. I remember getting suckers after visits to the Doctor's office. Food to calm or quiet us; they don't call it 'comfort food' for nothing. Homemade ice cream in the summer...helping Grandmother roll out dough for homemade noodles...waiting for the leftover bits of pie crust to come out of the oven, all covered with sugar and cinnamon, on the days Mom baked. And think about what we do as grown-ups when we want to get together with friends...we go to dinner or have a dinner party. We socialize around eating.
Food is emotionally charged!
For many of us, that means we use food as a tool for problem solving, as a coping mechanism, as a way to deal with tiredness, stress, sadness, anger, loneliness. We do this because our history growing up has taught us that food means love and approval.
Our use of food for other purposes than nutrition and fuel is usually not conscious. We may reach for the chocolate kiss because that is what our daddy would give us every time he came home from a business trip. Maybe our drama coach reward edus with lemon drops after a particularly good rehearsal. The whole team would go for burgers, fries and a shake after winning a game. So when we are down, feeling depressed or unloved, we love ourselves in a way that replicates the feelings we had back then...we are not consciously remembering the specific event, just the way certain foods make us feel.
But afterwards, it usually doesn't feel very good, especially if we are struggling with weight or health issues. We feel guilty...that we have no will-power...that we are failures...afraid for our future wellness. And once the taste of that favorite food is gone, we don't even feel loved.
Intellectually, we know that eating is not a solution to the emotional void we might be trying to fill as we fill (stuff?) our stomachs. What is?
We have to be gutsy enough to be able to sit with our feelings without rushing out to fix anything. John McMullin, a wonderful man and gifted Holistic Coach (www.JourneysofWisdom.com) offered this in a workshop: you do not do a suffering person a favor by trying to take away their pain. It is hubris to believe that we are going to fix them by rushing in and offering a pat on the back, a 'there, there' or a shoulder to cry on. So it should be with our own suffering.
A close acquaintance told me this story. After his daughter committed suicide, he was overcome, more than usual, by a grief and sadness so intense he could hardly breathe. He went to his counselor, as he had many times during his healing process. After describing the depth of his despair, the counselor offered an exercise. "When this feeling of abysmal grief comes to you, stop and take a breath. Say to yourself, 'So this is how it feels to be utterly grief stricken.' Let the feeling have a place. Do not try to banish it. Sit with your sadness." My friend told me he did that many times in the course of his recovery. And it worked for him. On a much less traumatic level, I have practiced this exercise in my own life. It has a remarkable power to calm the most hysterical emotions, to dry tears, to create a stillness - the eye of the storm, if you will. Peace is the result. There is something very powerful and healing about acknowledging an emotion you would just as soon not have to experience.
First rule: don't rush in to fix what is causing you pain. Allow it to have a place (it's going to make one for itself anyway). Say to yourself so this is how it feels to be alone...whatever you are feeling. Allow yourself to feel how alone feels. Trying to cover up the feeling with chocolate or whatever your comfort food might be has never made the feelings go away for good in the past. And you know what? Feeling alone is not going to kill you. Being sad is not the end of you. Feeling that no one loves you is not the end of the world and can you be absolutely certain of the truth of that feeling? Not absolutely.
Second rule: be the kind of person you would want to be with. If energy draws to it like energy, be the brightest star in the firmament. Sure, you may have 10 things that are not great in your life, but there is at least one thing that is beautiful...think of that one beautiful thing. Our minds can only hold one thought at a time: we cannot be both happy and miserable. When your mind takes you to a dark place, have ready the one thought that is the opposite of what took you there and think it, out loud if you have to. I have said a positive affirmation over and over again through tears until I was able to calm down, see the truth and good in my life. If you become the type of person you would want to spend time with, you are the lucky one because who spends more time with you than you! Then anyone who comes into your life is a welcome addition, not a can't-live-without-you necessity.
Third rule: know that you are enough. It is hard for me to believe that a divine creator or a divine intelligence would send any of us here for a purpose and then send us here flawed, without the tools to accomplish the job. The 'taming' process (how we are socialized by parents and institutions) makes us feel that something is missing in us...don't do that, that's not right, don't embarass me, this is the way you should act. We are so young while all this instruction is taking place that it is easy for us to feel that something is wrong with us. Listen to that still, small voice inside you that whispers you are perfect just the way you are. There is a wonderful quote: "There are cracks in everything. That's how the light gets in." That is also how our light gets out. Revel in knowing you are enough, just as you are.
So don't be afraid of pain and sadness. "Things don't happen to us, they happen for us," says Byron Katie. Use every event as an opportunity for growth. Learn so you might be able to hold out a hand to help someone struggling with something you have already experienced.
Decide what kind of person you wish to be. The choice is yours...to be happy or to be sad. If you truly believe it is a choice, why would you choose to be miserable? Become the person you wish you were...or as the old joke goes, become the person your dog thinks you are! If you have to, fake it 'til you make it.
Love yourself. You weren't sent here lacking. Don't let yourself be defined by what you believe others think of you. Define yourself by what gives you joy and a sense of purpose.
Love, peace, joy, fulfillment? You need only look in the mirror...
...not in the refrigerator.
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